A new addition to heaven

“Seek my face, and you will find fulfillment of your deepest longings. My world is filled with beautiful things; they are meant to be pointers to Me, reminders of My abiding Presence. The earth still declares My Glory to those who have eyes that see and ears that hear. You had a darkened mind before you sought Me wholeheartedly. I chose to pour My Light into you, so that you can be a beacon to others. There is no room for pride in this position. Your part is to reflect My Glory. I am the Lord!”

----------from an entry in Jesus Calling, a devotional book

Isaiah 60:2

“See, darkness covers the earth and thick darkness is over the peoples, but the Lord rises upon you and his glory appears over you.”

Today was an awful day… probably the worst day of my life. I have never had the shakes, the amount of tears, the sobs that come from so far deep within it feels like your stomach is being detached from your insides. I am still in shock, and I am still not sure I understand everything that happened because in the blink of an eye the moment was over and the damage was done. A sickening feeling compels your entire body, and in that moment, I relied on adrenaline. This is a very hard entry to write, and I understand that it may sound different on paper than it was in real life, but I had to get these thoughts out of my head.  

Rewind…. And here is what happened

I walked over to OB to get some lubricant for a pelvic exam in female ward. As I entered through the curtains there were three women on the beds. Provided. One mom had delivered a baby and Allison and Erin were with the baby as Steven was with the mom and we heard, “This doesn’t feel right. There are twins.” I walked in and immediately Kellum hollered, “Meghan, put some gloves on.” Allison and Erin put new gloves on as well. Allison went over to help Steven and Erin and I hurried over to the mother who had began pushing without any medical assistance at her bedside. It appeared as if the baby was in the breech position and we hollered over to Steven who poked his head in and informed us that the presenting part was the head, and that her membranes had not yet ruptured. The nurse handed a needle to Erin and told her to rupture the membranes. Erin offered to let me rupture her membranes because she had already done one earlier that morning. Of course I accepted her offer, I mean how often do you get to rupture a membrane?! Steven walked me through the process and then the nurse informed everyone to step back because it can spray a little. Steven said that at the next contraction while the membranes are protruding to just barely poke the tip of the needle on the sac. Sounds easy enough. Contraction…pushing…visible membranes. Poke… and membranes exploded… for the first time. Even though I had been standing to the side and back, I was covered in amniotic fluid. My hair was soaked and slopping over my face. Amniotic fluid had filled my mouth, gone up my nose, and soaked my right eye. My entire right side of my body was drenched. Then everything is kind of a blur from here on out. In the blink of an eye, there was another explosion of fluid, which also expelled the newborn, fully attached to the placenta via the cord, as it shot through the air and over the edge of the table out of my reach. I don’t even remember capping the needle and placing it to the side. I picked up the premature baby with one hand and the placenta with the other and placed them on the table. Everyone was still staring at the womans pelvic area because no one had seen the baby fly in the gush of fluid that sprayed across the room. Allison said that the next thing she knew, I had placed a baby on the table. I began to use the bulb suction on the baby when it finally clicked that Allison was poking my shoulder saying, “Meghan I got this, its okay, I got this.” I couldn’t open both of my eyes and the nurse guided me to the sink, sprayed something in my hands, turned on the facet and told me to wash my face. I scrubbed my face, and kept spitting the contents out of my mouth. I blew my nose into the sink and was eventually able to open my other eye. I hurried back over to the table sopping wet when Steven said to grab some epinephrine. The nurse said they didn’t have any, but I knew I had seen some in the female ward earlier this morning. I ran down the hall to female, grabbed the entire bottle and returned to OB. Steven said to draw up 0.02 ml, and the nurse handed me a 10 ml syringe. I motioned for a smaller one, and she shook her head and said pediatrics. So off I ran again, in the other direction, grabbed a handful of syringes with needles and ran back to the OB ward. I pulled up the medicine and went over to where Steven and Allison were resuscitating the baby. I managed to work around them and inject the medication, hoping and praying that this child would be alright. Kellum had one baby in her hands so that the area was clear for working on the second baby when the twins mama started pushing with the second child. I put gloves back on as Steven ordered me to go over and deliver the baby. I knew in my head he wanted me to “get back on the horse” so to speak, and so he talked me through delivering the twin. Baby came out and let out a scream. Praise the Lord. Suctioned, clamped, cut, passed baby on and I stayed with mama. I delivered the placenta, cleaned her out, rolled up her dirty garments… and had the nurse come over. My adrenaline rush had ended and I walked right into Kellum’s arms and balled my eyes out. Those deep heaves that do not suffice your oxygen demand. Tears were drowning my face, my nose was full of fluid, and I couldn’t breath. Ashli had appeared, so did Kent. Ashli came in and embraced me as well. All I wanted was to forget the last  hours events. WHY? WHY DO THINGS LIKE THIS HAPPEN?! I was a angry, devasted, embarrassed, exhausted, livid, unhappy, consumed with sadness, nauseous, light-headed, uncomfortable, all the while feeling guilty.

And then I heard a sweet voice as Ashli spoke, “Meghan, I know theres a lot of different voices in your head right now, but do not listen to them. Only listen to the one voice, the voice of Jesus. Do not believe any of the things that your mind is telling you, because Jesus loves you. Listen to Him. This was not your fault. No one here blames you, because there was nothing anyone could have done.”

This made the tears come harder and stronger. The floor was soaked with my salty tears. And then I saw Allison’s feet appear. And at that moment, I knew the baby was dead. I could hear sobbing from everyone as the moment had its impact. Everyone just stood together in silence.

Steven informed me that this child was not well equipped to survive even before the incident. The doctors had planned on doing a cesarean section around lunchtime but the patient refused the procedure, so they let her labor instead. The ultrasound revealed an abnormality with the child, and they believed that there was an esophageal/tracheal fistula, which is hard enough to operate on in America. Once the child was born, Steven made sure to point out all the visible problems that the child had as well as inform me that the child had a genetic anomaly. It was also premature at 33 weeks. This tremendously assisted with my ability to cope despite the feeling inside that somehow this was still all my fault. Everyone kept reassuring me that there was nothing else I could have done, and that I did all that I could.  I don’t remember who said it, but they told me that this child flew into the arms of Jesus.

I would appreciate prayers for comfort for the mother, as well as myself and the others on the mission team who were present during this traumatic event. We need God’s assistance and guidance as we face the many different problems that arise at the hospital.